The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
20:04 May 27 2008
Times Read: 821




Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.....



The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!



That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down....



Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border....



When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq ..



Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military.....



Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....





After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country....



He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot...





This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. ....





If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....



Problem solved.....

From an expert
22:36 May 26 2008
Times Read: 835

Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who left the world dominate auto maker, General Motors and rescued Chrysler Corporation from its death throes?



He also took leadership in restoring Ellis Island and renovating the Statue of Liberty in New York. He has a new book, and here are some

excerpts.



Lee Iacocca Says in this quote from his recent book:



"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods

their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course."



Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America not the damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"

You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this

country anymore. The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the

Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the "America" my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?



I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest "C" is Crisis! Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when

you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.



On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess



So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest

deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by

health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing and putting the poor in jeopardy (not to mention the rest of us), and nobody in power has a

coherent energy policy.



Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out

for leadership.



But when you look a round, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the

point.

Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?

We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.



Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're

going to do the next time.



Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who ld have believed that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?



Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for:

a paying down the debit,

b or solving the energy crisis,

c or managing the health care problem.



"The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.



"I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is

being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on CNN will call

them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?



"Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope;

I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some

of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the

"Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the "Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this:

"You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action.



"Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm

raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close.

So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had 'enough."

I HATE governments
21:41 May 24 2008
Times Read: 849

*sigh*



Yet another installment in the ongoing saga of "Dr. Vampirelove, or how I stopped worrying and started to HATE the government"...



After a year of trying in vain to finish up my residency paperwork, with all sorts of signed this and that and notes of "what the fuck is going on" from the people at Westcan, CIC has fucked me over yet AGAIN



After swearing out an affadavit to the effect that Connor was NOT coming up here to live with me and ride Canada's precious fucking medical care system, and months of waiting for this office to talk to that office, and this file to get married with that file, THIS is what I get from these bastards.....:



"Your file and the information you have submitted regarding custody of your son has been reviewed by a Team Leader in this office. A review of the Divorce Agreement reveals that both you and your ex-spouse have shared parental responsibility. You have not satisfied this office that you have made all possible attempts to comply with the requirement to have your son examined. You state you have simply chosen to NOT have your son examined because he resides 300 km. from the closest designated medical practitioner. Your request to waive the examination of your dependant has been refused.



Please contact your ex-spouse and have your child taken for a medical examination. We have contacted our office in Buffalo requesting your son's file remain open. If he does not comply with Buffalo's requests in a timely fashion and they close their file, your application may be refused for non-compliance."



So.....



I have had to beg countless people to borrow air miles to add to my own pile (which I was earning to take Scott and I to New Orleans this summer), fly to Florida and get Connor between his last day of school and his grandparents getting him for the summer. I have to rent a car, a hotel room for a couple of nights, and drive 225 miles, to Brooksville. That is the closest doctor who is CIC registered to do the exam, all within the next 60 days.

If I don't do this now, Scott and I will lose the $3,500 we have already invested in this venture, and we will have to start over from scratch, with ANOTHER $2,500 to start with...



Right now, all I want to do is curl up into a tiny tight ball and cry...



THIS is why I have been woefully absent for the past week- my nasty little cold being the reason for the week before. Sorry kids...I'll be here when I can.

Canadian weddings- yet again...
23:32 May 19 2008
Times Read: 860

Yes, I worked another one....these people REALLY were looking for a night club instead of a wedding, but what the hell- all in good fun, right?



Will someone PLEASE tell me where it says that having the first dance as man and wife be to the dulcet tones of "You give love a bad name" is a GOOD idea???



And later that same night....



"(I'm on a) HIGHWAY TO HELL"



o_0

THANK you....lol
20:18 May 07 2008
Times Read: 878

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans.



Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.



Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Hillary fan.'



The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Hillary fan?'



Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'



The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'



Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'



With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, *'That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan.'*

SOUTHERN WOMEN
20:58 May 06 2008
Times Read: 902




Southern women know their manners:

'Yes, ma'am.'

'Yes, sir.'

'Why, no, Billy!'



Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :

'Y'all come back!'

'Well, bless your heart.'

'Drop by when you can.'

'How's your Momma?'



Southern women know their summer weather report:

Humidity

Humidity

Humidity



Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach

The rivuh

The crick



Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals

Strapless sun dresses

Iced sweet tea with mint



Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey

Darlin'

Shugah



Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes

Driving Miss Daisy

Steel Magnolias

Gone With The Wind



Southern women know their religions:

Baptist

Methodist

Football



Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy

Grits

Eggs

Country ham

Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly



Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn

S'vanah

Foat Wuth

N'awlins

Addlanna



Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform.

Men in tuxedos

Rhett Butler



Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall

The Country Club

The Beauty Salon



Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails

Having bad manners

Cooking bad food



More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.

_____



Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'

_____



Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'

_____



Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'

_____



Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

_____



All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____



Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potat o salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____



Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.

_____



Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

_____



No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____



A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____



Only Southerners m ake friends while standing in lines, .. and when we're 'in line,' . we talk to everybody!

_____



Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____



In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

_____



Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____



Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____



When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

_____



Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.

_____



And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart' ... and go your own way.

_____



To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

_____



And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front por ch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!



Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!



If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could

always good
06:41 May 06 2008
Times Read: 923

GOOD:

Albert Lee, MN , policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Mankato , MN . A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being a wise guy, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Minnesota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.He replied, ' Minnesota State Troopers don't have balls.'There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.